Dreary indifference descends around my camp with the settling dusk.
With determination to envelope me,
It has crept behind me all along my hopeful journey,
Kept at bay only by a burning passion and hope itself
As I trudge, meander, skip and even, sometimes, fly along my chosen trail,
I have gathered wood to fuel the passion,
As I have gathered wisdom to fuel the journey.
Healing, helpful hope comes to me of its own accord as a grace
My camp fires smoke away both the indifference and the dusk’s darkness,
But, still, as vulnerable prey, I feel the danger of the stalking indifference,
Intent on sucking me dry of emotion and hope.
Wisdom urges me on toward a safe refuge.
I am protected only by the ragged remains of passion,
But it is enough – for now.
As I set up my camp on this night ,
The last tattered remnants of burning passion turn to smoke,
Drifting away in the darkness that dusk has brought.
I feel the indifference closing in around me,
Cold and without emotion, but driven to invade.
Lacking strong and mighty passion to stand guard,
I burn my gathered wood to fuel something new.
Not a forceful hatred, for that would engulf me,
But a gentle truth I kindle,
One that will swirl around me uncomfortably
Until it shapes itself to fit within my soul.
Truth is protection enough.
Having finally arrived, the truth can never leave me.
It works with me and on me, guarding and guiding me,
Keeping persistent indifference safely distant.
Finally, I allow the truth to fit my soul.
I can live this truth without discomfort.
It is a worn shoe that has traveled with my footsteps.
Arriving where wisdom has guided me,
Clarity surrounds me with crystal light,
Faceted so that I might see from previously unseen angles.
I watch as gentle truth grows with each new perspective.
Clarity is the castle of my final refuge.
Indifference, no matter how insidious, cannot storm that castle.
More of the faux friends and family
June 11, 2009 at 10:23 am (Family, Life, My Life)
Tags: Faux Friends, Life
I need to rant again – check out now if you wish to avoid it.
I am tired of faux friends, faux emotional support and lip service.
My mother says she will talk to me anytime (presumably about the things I have asked to talk about), but does not. If I mention anything personal she changes the subject. She refuses to answer any e-mail in which I actually express myself about anything of substance. But, boy oh boy, is she quick to tell me she loves me and misses me. Huh? She doesn’t even know me – a fact that I have repeatedly pointed out and expressed a desire to change.
But, here latest is the frosting on the cake. I have to quote it directly:
“I have had the feeling from you that you don’t want to deal with me in any way and I am respecting that.” ~ Mom
Mind you, this comment follows a long string of my requests that we find a way to become closer. So she gets that feeling from where? I’m baffled, but I give up. Ball is in her court.
And, my former friend, whom you may recall wished that I would become invisible so he would not have to see me, sent me an e-mail saying that he “will meet me and talk.” It was almost an invitation to meet and talk, but not quite. When I followed up (apparently ineffectively) he left the monkey on back to make anything further happen. Still no actual invitation.
I told him to call me if he wanted to talk. He did – and said he was leaving town and would call when he returned. He left two days later; returned a week later; sent an e-mail instead of calling and has not called since. I sent a text when we were at the same event, letting him know where I was; left a couple of voice mail messages that have been ignored; and sent an e-mail asking that he just say so if he is not really going to call me. He sent another e-mail saying that he will call – that was three days ago. I have to wonder if he meant anytime soon and why he started this game to begin with.
So, what is with these people that they say they want to talk, but they really don’t? And, why do I get so hooked into the whole game? Ah, there is my opportunity for further growth – gotta get to it.
Thanks for listening to my rant; I do feel better now.
Faith in Humanity Restored
April 24, 2009 at 10:21 am (Culture, My Life)
Tags: Humanity
An incredible thing happened today. I received an envelope in the mail that contained a $2 bill. There is nothing incredible about the $2 bill itself, but the fact that it arrived has restored my faith in humanity.
A couple weeks ago, I borrowed a neighbor’s car. Trying to be appreciative, I took it to the neighborhood coin op car wash to clean. I put 7 quarters in the machine and . . . nothing.
I looked around for a phone number to call . . . nothing.
I looked around for a sign identifying the name of the business . . . nothing. Well, not exactly. There was a sign that said, “Car Wash.”
I got angry. I wondered how many people on that day lost a little bit of money in the machine. I wondered what the total gain was for the operator of the car wash.
I went home. I started to do some research. I discovered the name of the business, the owner’s name and contact information. I called.
The owner answered the phone, seemed surprised that I had found a way to reach him, and assured me that he would reimburse me for my loss. I doubted it.
$1.75 is barely worth making a fuss over. Most people would have gone away angry and, maybe, cheated the next cashier who gave them extra change thinking that made things even somehow. I made the fuss.
The fuss took me a couple of hours, some internet research and several phone calls to government agencies. Clearly, my time was not worth the $1.75. But, I had nothing better to do that day and decided to fight the fight for the many people in the neighborhood who have lost their money.
And, today, in my mail arrived a $2 bill. It seems much more practical to have sent a $2 bill than to send a $1 bill and 3 quarters. And, I appreciated the extra quarter for my troubles.
Next time I go by that car wash, I will check to see if the owner has posted a phone number to call for others who lose their change. Having fought the fight for the greater good, I hope to see the greater good served. In the meantime, my faith in humanity has been restored by the gesture of sending an extra quarter when I expected nothing.
April Fool’s Day
March 31, 2009 at 12:13 pm (Life, My Life)
Tags: April Fool's Day, Life
For today,
it is okay to be a fool,
to act foolish
to put aside fears of being thought a fool.
For today,
it is okay to risk.
Foolishness is a small price to pay
for all that we desire.
For today,
nothing is serious,
nothing is forever,
nothing can hurt us.
For today,
life is simply a leap into the unknown,
yesterdays to be rediscovered,
tomorrows to be created.
Tomorrow is our safety net.
But for today,
Just for today,
I choose the fool and
wonderful is within my grasp.
For today,
I hope tomorrow never comes.
New Year Blessings
December 31, 2008 at 9:46 pm (Life, My Life)
Tags: Family, Friends
It is that time of the year: Out with the old and in with the new. The whole concept has enveloped me this year as I move into next year.
Recently, I was blessed with the return of two old friends to my life. Both were people with whom I shared a spiritual path and both were people with whom I lost contact somewhere along the way. It has been such a joy to have them both back in contact and present in my life.
Sadly, though, I have also recently come to realize that I have friends and family members that I simply have to let go. Attempting to have closer relationships with them is a frustrating, futile effort that leaves me feeling empty and emotionally barren. Fortunately, one family member has been amazingly honest in disclosing that he does not intend to change the behavior that drives a wedge between us. I thank him for that. It makes it so much easier for me to establish and maintain my boundaries with him.
Without that type of honesty, I can easily get trapped in hope and the resulting disappointment when my hopes are not realized. His honesty made me realize that I need to have that type of honesty with myself and realize that my hopes are just that – hopes – and I create my own disappointment by misplacing that hope. When I look with greater honesty, I can see who is a blessing in my life and who is not.
I’ve been struggling with my daughter’s stuffed animal collection. It is overwhelming our house. We recently established a one-in-one-out policy to keep the clutter under control. Perhaps, I need the same policy with people in my life.
Imagine if, every time someone wonderful comes into my life, I were to eliminate some of the clutter of toxic people. It seems like it would not take very long to surround myself with only positive, loving people. Hmmmm. A new year’s resolution perhaps?
Post Christmas Follow Up
December 26, 2008 at 7:54 am (Family, Life, My Life, Uncategorized)
Tags: Capitalism, Children, Family, Guitar Hero, Walmart
Our new Wii is in the house. There is a new Wii in a neighbor’s house as well. The difference is that the neighbor’s Wii came with my favorite – you guessed it – Guitar Hero. I finally got to see Guitar Hero first hand. Although I actually did not spend much time checking it out, I did notice some of the song titles and was not surprised to see that even the song titles contained suggestive themes. Being familiar with those songs, I knew they were not the songs I want stuck in my daughter’s head.
We all know that sex sells. Combine those suggestive themes with Rock and Roll and you have a match made in capitalism dreamland. And the game even looks fun.
Fortunately, the neighbor’s Wii system also came with an Indianapolis speedway game that was more fun – something about driving backwards through the brickyard and causing crashes really appeals to those kids who are, in my opinion, much too young for the suggestive themes of Guitar Hero. Ah, the innocence of youth. I just hope they don’t grow up driving that way in my neighborhood.
Merry Christmas
December 25, 2008 at 9:25 am (Life, My Life)
Tags: Christmas; Life; Self Expression
I am sitting here, looking at Christmas Tree number 2 (number 1 is outside with bird treats hanging from it, safe from catching fire and burning down my house), and waiting for my daughter to call. This is the first Christmas in my life on which I have awakened in an otherwise empty house – alone. It is the first Christmas of her life that we have not awakened together. It is strange.
Later my daughter will be here, friends will come by and we will visit other friends. Until then, I have made a pot of coffee, turned on the Christmas lights and am reading a book, writing in my journal and generally having a pleasant morning. On any other day, I think I would cherish such a morning. But, this morning it feels lonely.
Perhaps that is why I have come here to reach out. I will not know who reads this, if anybody does. But, I will know that I have expressed myself . That, for me, is enough right now. For most of my life, I have allowed the lack of appropriate response from other people to keep me from expressing myself. My new year’s resolution for 2008 was to express myself anyway. So, here I am, keeping my resolution and feeling rather good about it. What a lovely Christmas present to myself.
Walmart’s Values – rated “L” for “Lacking”
December 18, 2008 at 11:31 am (Culture, Family, Life, Media)
Tags: Capitalism, Children, Family, Guitar Hero, Life, Values, Walmart
Wow, Walmart, bringing families together, way to go. Oh, excuse me, my tongue got stuck in my cheek there for a minute. What I meant to say was, “Could Walmart be any less family oriented?”
Several times lately (obviously, I am watching too much television), I have seen a commercial for Walmart and Guitar Hero® that absolutely blows my mind. (You can see it here: http://commercial-archive.com/node/146624.) At first, it all seems so incredibly nice – a whole family, gathered in the living room, playing Guitar Hero® together. Music, dancing and smiling faces – what could possibly be wrong with this picture.
The baby in the high chair is swinging his/her feet in time to the music, with head bobbing. The preschool daughter jumps up and down in her purple patent shoes while her blonde ringlet curls bounce along with her. The son, probably 7-8 years old plays drums, with his head bobbing to the beat. Dad sets the rhythm at the beginning of the clip and then is seen in the background jamming on a guitar. Mom is the star, up front playing guitar and thanking Walmart for making the Xbox and Guitar Hero® affordable so, “now this family is always together.” The whole family.
Are you wondering yet why I think this is not a “family-oriented” commercial and Walmart really blew it? The answer comes at the very end of the commercial when the voiceover informs us that Guitar Hero® and, indeed, maybe this entire vignette, is “rated T for teens.”
Now, I don’t proclaim to be any kind of an expert on rating systems, but I assume that “T for teens” means there is something about Guitar Hero® that is inappropriate for younger children. The Guitar Hero® website identifies “mild suggestive themes” as the reason for the rating. I have no idea and will probably not bother to find out exactly what “mild” or “suggestive” mean in this context.
Walmart, on the other hand, should find out. Walmart is sending this not-quite-Currier-and-Ives scene into our homes for the holidays. Why, I wonder, could they not have used a family with teenage children. Don’t families with teenagers need togetherness? I suspect they have already saturated the teen market and are looking for a new demographic to target.
Is anybody else offended by Walmart and their “togetherness” family beaming with joy (and greed) while the baby in the highchair participates in an activity rated “T for teen?” I really can’t blame the mom – I know she is only an actress and those are, likely, not her children. And, besides that, she is barely out of the teen years herself.
My friends know that I am not against my daughter watching television or playing video games in moderation. They also know that I try to keep my daughter away from television commercials. She is way too easily influenced by them in extremely subtle ways that she cannot comprehend and guard against. She knows that Walmart wants her money, but she does not understand the extent to which Walmart is willing to portray life unrealistically to get it. She has no idea that Walmart is willing to ignore family values and common sense, sacrificing the greater good of children and families in the process, in their quest for the last Christmas dollar of the season. Unless prompted, she would not even question the underlying message that we should all just ignore the rating system and let even the baby play the game rated “T for teens.”
My daughter does not know these things. The adults watching should.
When the teen market has been saturated, Walmart needs to go after a younger market, so Walmart does. That is capitalism. Maybe the target of my outrage should be Activision Publishing. According to its Guitar Hero® website, the game ratings range from “Everyone 10+ to Teen.” Is this really necessary? It seems simple enough to create a version of Guitar Hero® that is appropriate for all ages. There are plenty of good songs with family-appropriate lyrics and no suggestive themes, mild or otherwise. I think it could be done.
Even at E-10+, Walmart’s happy family need not apply.
